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hetch and the shitty mutant pigeons - a story of true fabrications

Birdie, birdie in the sky,
Why you poo poo in my eye?
I didn't sigh, I didn't cry,
Thank God cows don't fly!
- Alex Smart

They say change is inevitable, except of course, from a vending machine. It's the same with bird shit. It's inevitable. It's the most quintessential of all Murphy's Laws. And it's the horror version of the movie Final Destination coming to life, transmogrified to the familiar shapelessness of an acidic smelling white and green paste.

It was also the sad truth of life my dear friend Hetch had to come to terms with. Everyday, en route to college, the birds just loved using him for target practice. EVERYDAY! He would do everything in his power to escape them, from deflecting them with Chuck Norris-style roundhouse kicks, to evasive ground maneuvering tactics that would have made our Indian Army proud, to catapults, and even to the extent of tying a scarecrow voodoo doll to the back of his bike to ward those evil avians away. He tried hard, with unwavering persistence, to shoo them off, but in vain. They would always find his shirt with marksman-type accuracy. I'm sure these were some kind of mutant homing pigeons.

I think everyone, at least once, had birds drop their deadly bombs on them, but not at the frequency with which they used poor Hetch to take the world's anger out on. They practically made a career out of it!

But what amuses me more than this daily debaclistic (yes, I just made that word up) ritual, is that Hetch didn't think of doing something as simple as wearing a raincoat, to counter their attack. On the other hand, knowing Hetch and knowing the mysterious ways of the Murphy's Laws, I don't think it would have worked anyway. The day he wears the raincoat, I'm sure they won't bother crapping on him.

Sigh! Such is life I guess. I'm just glad Hetch put this trauma behind him after all these years. I just wonder who they are using for target practice now though?

Hari said...
May 19, 2008 at 11:53 PM  

Haha! But it was not the shirt. It was the head. If you rip, rip right, lousy fellow!

alok yepuri said...
May 20, 2008 at 12:27 AM  

Like the title already warned you... this is a true fabrication! If you read, read right lousy fellow!

P.S. Don't forget, you gotta get us back a Yak! :D

whatmark said...
May 20, 2008 at 12:37 PM  

I'm not one bit impressed with the birds' skill. Hell, with such a huge, slow-moving target even a blind bird would be able to do the trick!

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