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an insomniac's guide to a good night's (un)rest

I guess it just runs in our genes.

What runs in our genes you may ask. And I'd reply – "Insomnia". Like my mother, I'm an insomniac too. And like I mentioned, I guess it just runs in our genes.

Through the dark and through the moonlit years that we both stayed awake, it got boring to just walk around the house aimlessly, eating and drinking anything we could lay our hands on. So without hope or agenda, one fateful night I decided it was time to move on. Parting with mom on good terms, I compiled my Top-10 List (inspired by High Fidelity) of schadenfreude ways to keep myself entertained through the long, boring nights. Ok, so I was lying - there was a hope and agenda. But on the brighter side, I haven't had a boring night since.

I must warn you, though some of these are tried and tested, and some I intend to do some day (or night), most of them are downright childish. But hey! Why not? When CAN you bring out the kid in you, than when you are alone. Or more truthfully, when you know you can't get caught doing it. Muhahaha! Written in no definite order, most of these are written keeping in mind I stay in an apartment complex, where the opportunity to have juvenile terror rein throughout the night is magnified plentifold.


Anyway, let's get down to business now.

1. If the apartment doors have a deadbolts like mine do, bolt ALL of them from the outside.

2. If you are the more excitement-seeking types, here's an extension to the above idea. Bolt all the doors, and start ringing their doorbells one by one, working your way down from the top floor. (I don't think it's necessary to tell you of the dangers of doing it the other way round and getting yourself cornered on the terrace...)

3. Use your imagination and stick chewing gum at the most undesirable places your brains can conjour.

4. Make yourself useful by stealing light bulbs from around the place and selling them the next day to fuel your alcohol/cig/drugs dependency, if you have any.

5. Go stand at your balcony, or better, on the terrace, and patiently wait for an auto to drive by (you have nothing better to do anyway!). Once you see one, scream for it and duck! Make sure you position yourself so you can safely see the poor confused soul search around for his late night sawari. And make sure you pack a substantial midnight snack, for you could be out for a while.

6. This one takes a lot of balls and fast legs. Go bump every car (apply pressure on their bonnets) in your complex to activate their annoying alarms. And RUN! You can do one car every couple of minutes, or if you're really pumped-up with adrenaline, do at least 5, one after another, at different parts of the apartment.

7. Lob onion bombs into balconies (preferably ones attached to bedrooms) and watch fear grip the hearts of the house's occupants.

8. Find your victim, and burn sulfur underneath his door's gap. Ahhh... the joy of seeing him gag under its spell is unexplainable.

9. This one's my all time favourite; did it twice already. Have a quiet drinking session with friends, and collect all the empty bottles. Make sure your night watchman doesn't see you carrying the booze in. Once he sleeps (which they all inevitably do), surround his chair with all the bottles. And watch the fun next morning when the early morning walkers see him!

10. And lastly, buy some paint (preferably a colour closest to the one your house numbers over the door are painted with). Once it's silent night, unholy night, go repaint the door numbers in any random order. And if you have those brass digits stuck on the doors like how I do, just work them loose with a knife and again stick them around in any random fashion with some super glue.

If you think you have some more sinful, devious or morally questionable stunts I'd like to try out, feel free to give me a shout.

3 comments:
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varsha said...
April 18, 2008 at 1:49 PM  

Oh oh oh...

Bang on your parents door when they're fast asleep...
keep banging on the door frantically and when they wake up all paranoid wondering what the hell is going on,say "Just wanted to say Goodnight :)" and walk off!The comedy is priceless!!

So these are the things you're ACTUALLY upto when u keep "brb"ing me huh??:P Funny stuff!!:)

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Hari said...
April 18, 2008 at 5:44 PM  

Haha! If you do it (that is if you really can grit your teeth, steel your balls, swallow the bile and actually conjure up the courage to do it) it'll be killer man!

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Alok said...
April 18, 2008 at 6:00 PM  

Sigh Hari!... been there, done those, and blogged about them.

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